A rough day.

So as I said a while ago, Its been a tough week. I lost my house on my 18th bday, figured out my Girlfriend needs some time and a lot of other stuff. Ya it has been super hard, but its easy to keep a smile on my face with my girlfriend there for me. I have found that I have had a lack of self motivation and I have been depending on people way to much. It is time for that to stop. I have learned that the only person I know that can do what I want to do is me. I feel better about myself and more confident in what I do. I have a sense of freedom finally. I just need to get things figured out now. I have to have a job within the next couple of weeks or I fear that I will feel like I am failing again. I failed in my fathers eyes because I didnt want his job, nor his help in life. That is exactly what I got. The good ol' boot out the door. I can admit it is emotionally hard to accept the loss of a father and a mother being close. However when it happens, the only thing you can do is keep your head up. I know my mom feels horrible for what happened but I hold nothing against her, nor my father. My parents did the best jobs they knew how to do in raising a child. I was offered some chances I should have taken yet didn't and now I see what it caused. I am proud to say that I am not drinking my worries away. I have my head on straight and the only three things that matter are my girlfriend, my cousin and I. It does suck waking up with nothing after dreaming of her, but every day she is who keeps me going. I was ready to fall and blame myself. That was until the one girl that matters the most gave me the motivation to keep going and better myself. I was always the kid to watch from the window, afraid to go out into the real world. Now I have my chance that I must take. I cant just hide behind my friends and family anymore for I am now on my own. now and I cant change it. For me there is no going back, however I dont want to. The way I see it is, at least I am still alive. I watched my dreams fall apart around me but I made new ones. There are people who have been with me the entire time and went through it all with me and I appretiate them so much. The one that I have been with for what seems like forever and she keeps me warm even when she isnt here. I guess this is my standard break in reality. This damn blogging thing. I have wasted to many peoples time and left to many bad impressions. Some say that I am fixable but I dont have the regular problems. I have finally found out what it means to be awake.  Sometimes it seems hard to breath, but I am only choking on a place I cannot leave. I would rather be far away on a beach in a big house staring at the blue sky with my girlfriend right now. Yet now I see that it is up to me to make that happen. I have to make my own choices and make sure she things they as good as I think they are. I have cried my eyes out for way to long now. I have become stronger and know who I am and what I want to be. I have swam through a shitload of apologies and I am done doing that. No more sorry, No more regrets. I will take her hand and be close to her. Its been a long time that I have been with her and it has been that long since I have been sad. I have become worse that sad and have locked myself from the world. I have made it out alive and I know what hands I can trust in and what ears I can tell things to. I have no place to go but I will find one.